A Cow Falls on Relena
by rjones2818
Summary: Cows and Relena don't mix. What happens?
1. Default Chapter

A Cow Falls on Relena.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own...doing this for fun...sort of....  
  
-Begin Story-  
  
Relena had stalked Heero to a field in central Iowa. Why Heero thought he could get away from Relena in a field in central Iowa is anybody's guess.  
  
"Heeeeeerrrrrrrooooooo! Gosh, I finally found you. You know you can be pretty hard to track sometimes. But now that we're here together let's plan our wedding. Of course, that crass Maxwell isn't going to be invite...."  
  
Suddenly...seemingly from out of nowhere...a cow falls from the sky and lands on top of Relena.  
  
"Oh my God!" yelled Heero. "Are you alright?"  
  
Duo, who had just jumped down from Shignami, which had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere, yelled at his koi "I thought you didn't care for her?"  
  
"Not Relena, the cow....she's fine...good bossy!"  
  
"And Relena?" Duo inquired.  
  
"Squashed flatter that a pancake. Bossy did a really good job on the bitch...didn't you bossy?"  
  
"Great...that'll be the last time she calls me crass!"  
  
Bossy then made some cow pies on top of Relena's dead, broken body.  
  
-End Story- 


	2. Chapter 2 Shinamoogi!

Chapter 2 – Shinamoogi!  
  
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.  
  
As Duo and Heero were flying away, a sudden glow appeared in the Iowa field. Duo knew immediately that he needed to return, and Heero agreed thinking that he would get a kick out of seeing Relena's cow pie covered dead body.  
  
Bossy looked at the apparition that was appearing before her. What she saw was the most beautiful cow that had ever been: Sleek, well groomed red fur; stunning polished but not too ostentatious horns; and a tail that Bossy knew could flick even the biggest horsefly off her hind quarters without so much as a thought. The apparition said "Moo." *Translated for those who are not fluent in Bovine Language, the statement was "I am Shinamoogi, the cow goddess of death! You have served me well my acolyte. My blessings be upon you, may your fields be ever filled with luscious clover!"*  
  
Bossy bowed her head in respect and replied "Moo." *"I am proud to serve you, Shinamoogi! Praise be to you for allowing me to kill that worthless wench. My only regret is that I may not do so again."*  
  
The deity looked at her acolyte and saw that Bossy was truthful in her wishes. "Moo." *I shall consider what you have said, but for now we have visitors."*  
  
Duo and Heero approached the cows. Duo immediately knew who the apparition was and went and scratched the god behind the ears.  
  
Shinamoogi replied "Moo." *"Ah, Shinagami, it is good to see another god. Thank you for your greeting. May my blessings be with you."*  
  
The American pilot smiled and said "Moo." *"Great Shinamoogi, it is ever so wonderful to see you again. I remain, as always, your friend and comrade. May your fields ever be filled with luscious green clover!"*  
  
Heero looked at the two conversationalists and said "You understand Bovine, Duo?"  
  
Shinamoogi replied before Duo had a chance (and only a god would be able to beat Duo to a word) "Moo." What Heero heard came out in perfect Japanese. *"I am Shinamoogi, the cow goddess of death. He is Shinagami, the human god of death. Does it not make sense that we can understand each other? Now, dearest Heero, please turn around so I can get a proper look at you!"*  
  
Heero did as he was told gladly, for Duo had told him of this fabulous deity. No only was she a god, but she gave the most delicious milk in the Universe!  
  
"Moo." *"Thank you, dearest Heero! When you return home you will find a never ending supply of my milk in your refrigerator. May you and your friends enjoy its benefits throughout your life."  
  
"Thank you, Shinamoogi." Was Heero's reply. He saw the bovine god look at Duo.  
  
"Moo." *"Shinagami, I can see why you and he are coupled. My blessings be upon you both. Tell me, do you get to do the poking often enough?"*  
  
Duo blushed and replied "Moo." *"Probably not as often as I would like, but getting poked by Heero is very pleasurable and I wouldn't ask for more."*  
  
"Moo" the bovine spoke. *"I can tell that you are telling the truth. I grant you a gift that will work three times weekly. Licking Heero's right ear and rubbing his left nipple at the same time will make his prostrate quiver in such a way that only you deep inside him can satisfy his need. Go ahead and try it, this one's a freebie!"*  
  
"Moo." *"Thank you Shinamoogi."* Duo then went up to his lover and did as the deity had instructed. Heero's butt quivered noticeably and his eyes glazed over during Duo's actions. Without speaking he grabbed Duo and threw him over his shoulder heading toward Deathscythe.  
  
Bossy looked at the couple as they left and commented "Moo." *"They do make such a cute couple!"  
  
"Moo" the bovine goddess agreed. "Moo." *"And I have decided to grant you your earlier wish. Watch as Shinamoogi brings Relena back to life!"   
  
The broken and battered, cowpie smeared corpse of the queen of pink shuddered as Relena's soul reentered it. Her back was mended and she stood up. "This is strange, and so is the taste in my mouth." Relena spat cowpie from her mouth and then she saw Duo's Gundam and thought "I wonder why Deathscythe is rocking and moaning so much. I t sounds like Duo and Heero, but Heero would never cheat on me." Little did she know that in the heat of their passion, Heero and Duo had hit the broadcast button on Deathscythe's console. Relena turned and saw the two cows and suddenly shouted "I hate cows. How could you dare fall on me. You're both so ugly and stupid that I would..."  
  
Charging at the sound of her deity being blasphemed by the wanton wench, Bossy gored Relena in the stomach. As the ruler of the Sanc kingdom screamed, the attacking bovine shook her head furiously and ripped Relena's lower chest open spilling the queen of pink's intestines. Relena fell and her body twitched. She was able to look up and see the rear end of the red cow that had not attacked her.  
  
"Moo" Bossy said. *"You may have the honors, Shinamoogi!"*  
  
"Moo" replied the cow goddess of death. *Thank you, my acolyte."* Shinamoogi then proceeded to drop a godly sized cowpie upon Relena's face.   
  
Relena's final thoughts were "Oh no, not again!" as her breathing drew the cow excrement deep into her throat. Relena then died a second time that day.  
  
-End Chapter- 


	3. Chapter 3 Later, back at the GBoiz Quatr...

Chapter 3  
  
-Begin Chapter-  
  
That night, back at the safe mansion, the G-boiz talk through the fateful events of earlier in the day.  
  
"So, while you were poking Heero, your butt managed to hit the distress call button?" Quatre looked a Duo with a slightly raised eyebrow.  
  
"Well, y'know Cat, there's not much room in the cockpit." Duo smiled evilly and added "It's a really tight fit in there!" Heero blushed at Duo's meaning.  
  
"So the other three of us flew to Iowa, only to find the cow pie spattered corpse of Relena and two cows, with you two broadcasting your fun from Deathscythe." Trowa stated the obvious.  
  
"So far, so good" said Heero, still blushing. Duo was busily stroking his thigh.  
  
"And the cows were gods?" Trowa asked incredulously.  
  
"I know the answer to that." Quatre saw that Duo by now wasn't going to be speaking any time soon, and that Heero's face showed that he was concentrating on something else at the moment. "Shinamoogi is a god, and Bossy is her acolyte." Quatre decide that Duo had a good idea and started to run his hands over Trowa's legs.  
  
"Oh yeah" Heero sighed. Quatre and Trowa couldn't decide if he were confirming Cat's description or not.  
  
"That explains what happened to Wufei, then." Trowa chuckled at the memory.  
  
Duo grunted agreement between slurps. Heero just sighed again.  
  
"I was actually shocked." Quatre looked just a bit perplexed. "I mean when Wubabe looked at the corpse and confessed that he was Relena's 'Bull of the Woods' I was just stunned."  
  
"Traitor deserved it" Heero managed to say somewhat coherently.  
  
"Wufei lost his head as far as tactics go," Trowa continued, although he was somewhat distracted by Quatre's attentions, "although how could he really know?"  
  
Quatre, who by now had his hands full with Trowa, smiled and said "Duo's told us all about Shinamoogi before."  
  
"Shinamoogi rules!" Duo shouted after he had raised his head from between Heero's legs. Heero just grabbed Duo's head and pushed down.  
  
"He looked truly grief stricken when he charged Bossy with his Kitana." Trowa leaned back in his chair and allowed himself to enjoy Quatre's expert manipulation.  
  
"I nearly laughed my ass off when Shinamoogi said 'Moo' and Wufei turned into a bull." Quatre was nearing the point where he wasn't going to be speaking very much longer.  
  
"Well, it wasn't nearly a fun as hearing his strangled moo when his kitana flew behind him and made him a steer!" Trowa chuckled at the memory.  
  
"And then farmer Trieze showed up." Duo, who by now had shed his clothing and was sitting and adjusting himself on Heero's lap, laughed heartily. "In his designer bib overalls. Man, he even had those stringy shoulder things on them."  
  
"He looked pretty amazed that we were all there." Heero, who was rocking a little gasped and then said "and Wufei almost got away when Treize mentioned the slaughterhouse."  
  
"Good thing Duo intervened with Shinamoogi" Trowa smiled. Quatre was thinking that Duo had a pretty good idea and was had taken off his clothing and was handing Trowa some lube.  
  
"Yeppers." Duo replied as he established a rhythm with Heero. "Treize got a eunuch after Shinamoogi turned Wufei back into a human, and we got Treize's porn collection. Man, I'm surprised we managed to get it all in the Gundams after all."  
  
Quatre, who was by now adjusting himself on Trowa's lap, smiled and said "You know, I think things worked out just about as well as they could have under the circumstances. But I think that's enough about what happened today. We've all got better things that we're doing right now!"  
  
All four pilots let out sighs and didn't mention Relena, Wufei, Treize, Bossy or Shinamoogi again that evening. Which was a very long evening for all of them indeed as they decided to take turns with each other, not realizing that Shinamoogi had blessed them all in that particular department.  
  
-End Chapter- 


End file.
